When I was young I would be disappointed by things I was excited about and would not happen.
There was a ski trip that I had planned weeks for. I was so excited to go and loved to ski. My friend Chad and I got up in the morning and got ready to go and we ended up being there an hour late. To this day I have no clue how we got the time wrong.
At the time as a child I thought to myself not to be excited about anything so then it would happen. I think I was on the right path with a wrong twist.
It’s not that I should not be excited as much as I should not expect a certain result. If I’m attached to a particular outcome I am sure to be disappointed. If instead I attempt to make happen what I think I want to happen. Then be excited about whatever does come to pass, I can get past disappointment and truly be happy about that which I have. Not about what I’m getting or hoping to get, rather, what is happening in this moment. It’s a subtle change in thinking, certainly not easy to do, but I think it makes one more able to be happy.
I think it’s this thought process that has allowed me to go through life and look back at what was and not be filled with regret. It allows me to look at my life and say thus far it has been good. This isn’t to say I’m perfect and can do completely those things that I attempt in my perception. There are those things that I think about and don’t deal well with. Yet, I still see the positive in that.
I helped give life to a child, David. I can say for certainty I have never loved another person with the same intensity as I love this little person. There is definitely something to be said for the love of a parent to their child. I personally did not know that I was capable of such emotion. To feel an attachment that would allow you to endure nearly anything to make sure that this little life would be taken care of.
The day before I moved back to Minnesota I was served with court papers to forbid me from taking David out of state. I got a job the day I got back and had little money, but because the job I took made too much money I was not eligible for any pro bono legal counsel in Texas. I lost by default. Eventually I gave up my parental rights and allowed his new father to adopt him.
I wanted to be sure that no matter what happened, those near David on a daily basis had the ability to take care of him. Could make the decisions for his proper care. In doing so I have effectively written myself out of his life altogether.
Was it the right decision? Was it easy? Do I ever think about it? Do I regret? In my opinion it was absolutely the right decision. It was about the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make. I think about it constantly. I do not regret it whatsoever. I have learned more about myself and the feelings I’m capable of.
I’m glad I had the opportunity to feel for another the way I do. I’m glad for the memories and the moments. I’m glad that it has put me to be the person I am today. To be aware and capable of being happy in a room by myself.
Finishing with this post I leave with one of my favorite poems sent to me by my friend David:
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart¹s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayal.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own;
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips
of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,
be realistic or to remember the limitations of being a human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself…
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday,
and if you can source your life on the edge of the lake and shout
to the silver of the full moon: “YES!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
–Oriah, Mountain Dreamer/Indian Elder
